1 min read

BUT WHY?

BUT WHY?
LIFE IS A CANVAS AND YOU ARE THE ARTIST, KEEP PAINTING 

7 MOTNHS pregnant, and one night I could not sleep. I was so lost in my thoughts that I wished the angels would take me to the Sacred place just for a while to escape my pain ( Depression). Did I consider suicide? Well, I had thoughts of what life would look like if I weren't on earth feeling what I was feeling. We had been apart for about 3 months; he showed no interest nor remorse -he'd moved in and seemed well off. meanwhile, I was growing our shared little human #2 sad, left, aggravated, horny, and worse of all, blaming myself. My most significant point of unclarity was the unanswered 'but why' phrase that frequented my brain. My faith was shaken; I almost stopped being 'Christian' because I prayed for a husband before my wedding, prayed during my wedding, prayed for my marriage, and prayed some more when things seemed exiled. There was a whole lot of speaking in tongues and tearing over what felt like spilled milk. I was desperate. In retrospect, I was more obsessed with the external perception of what marriage meant to my 'identity' vs. what I felt underneath my skin. The times when the pain felt unbearable were absurd and unending, making me wonder what I did to deserve such an awful situation. People and pods would say it'll all make sense later, and I cringed at those words. It'll all make sense. WT*( I can't cusS as much anymore, lol)? Like, what will make sense? My loneliness or the fact that I am never going to be whole again (that is what I truly believed). Betrayal coupled with rejection topped with shame. My life felt inexistent. But why? it's because of the more significant calling- the journey, the growth, the lesson, the story, inspiration, and servitude that I later on which is will now share with Millions/Billions. Your journey does not define you as a person it only gives you more pieces to the puzzle called life. It is your canvas; paint it.