I decided to do a series of posts that are Tough topics that do not come up often. In 2020 I had a miscarriage, well actually I lost my baby and my body did not naturally release the pregnancy. There was a heartbeat; it was solid and audible and then suddenly, at the next appointment, it was just gone. The most traumatic part was that the OBGYN looking at my ultrasound requested that I come back the following week -she wanted a second Doctor to take a look and she assured me that it was a little too early and another week will give us more clarity. I went home and prayed harder than I ever have, I had sticky notes with bible verses all over my kitchen cabinets, and I manifested a fully healthy baby but I just didn't feel good. I remember begging God for a healthy baby as I bargained with my faith. I had the worse morning sickness, headaches, nausea, bloatedness, and loss of appetite, and overall I just did not feel good. During this time my Ex husband was very disconnected from me and actively cultivating another relationship (perhaps we'll dive deeper in let's talk about it pt2). I returned the following week and another OB DOC looking at the ultrasound as I laid there scared and hopeful said 'oh wait there's a heartbeat it isn't strong but it is present- let's come back again next week to make sure Everything looks good. I went home celebrating with my mother, thanking God for the answered prayers. But then dooms day came all at once when the 3rd week sadly and unexplainably the heartbeat was gone. There was no growth and my pregnancy hormone levels had dropped. I still had all the pregnancy symptoms and I looked pregnant but my body was in shock. I felt all kinds of Emotions at once betrayal, anger, sadness, guilt, and confusion. It was horrible. My OB said that I'd have to use a pill to force my body to abort or have a D&C but because it was during COVID, I would not have gotten into the OR for another month. I went to pick up the pill from the pharmacy and sat there for about an hour staring at Every pregnant woman who walked by with increasing sadness. My heart literally hurt and my Ex was 'busy' and could not come downstairs to seat with me. He was literally two floors over in the same hospital building. 'Well, fuck I can't seat here all day. The next day I inserted the pill and sat in my bed with a heating pad, a bottle of water, and pain pills as I bled heavily. At one point, I went to the bathroom to pee and I swear it felt like my dead baby left my body as I sat on the toilet- I saw Everything. I was cramping so bad and I felt like God had let me down. I lost my baby and I felt absolutely helpless. A few weeks after that I found out that my Ex-husband was having an affair, oh and I found out in the most shameful way. The most interesting part of it all is how much I have healed and grown in my 'SELF'. I now radiate love, and confidence and I just want you to know that those deepest darkest days/weeks/months/years will come to an end my sweet love I promise. There is light ahead and someday you will understand why this was a part of your journey. Re-write your story.