LOVING AGAIN

I had a high school bf that made me feel safe and loved. I thought I had found my person, that feeling of being seen when you live in a home full of chaos. I remember staying up all night talking to him during the holidays. He made me feel like I could be myself; he understood me and ensured I felt at peace when the world was falling apart. I could have sworn that he was my forever person, but then he cheated and lied. We went from being each other's person to having a considerable wedge stuck between us. Out of nowhere, there was this vast sick feeling in my stomach that made me validate the sense that I had no safe place and that I was never going to be a priority. I was living in a fantasy, not reality-it destroyed our relationship, amongst other things. I felt betrayed and didn't trust subsequent partners. I chose relationships that weren't guaranteed because it felt like the safer choice. "If he cheats, then it won't hurt as bad because there was never a guarantee" that self-fulfilling prophesy that all men were going to hurt me. It was safer to choose something that was shattered. I lived that life until a few years passed, and I was tired of not feeling secure with anyone. I wanted to believe that Love was a choice, and perhaps if I chose carefully, I'd find someone who would make me feel like my high school ex did, minus the betrayal. So I focused on my faith. I prayed, joined the worship team, and started building or thinking I was building a relationship with God. And if God led me to someone, then they must be good. Well, that wasn't entirely true for me; I met my ex-husband and devoted my years to him, navigating my anxious attachment style while dealing with a covert Narc, I prayed, joined a book club, fasted, prayed some more, went to the pastors, prayed even more, but the betrayal was inevitable. I felt it coming, and I protested; I shifted between extreme emotions, begging for his attention and angry at his abandonment; all the feelings of pain dawned on me, but the betrayal was inevitable. Loving again is hard, especially after having kids; it's a risk that a single mother takes alone, but it can tremendously affect her children. Worrying about explaining to the world if things don't work out AGAIN. That feeling of "Is it me" Perhaps I'm the problem is daunting. The fear of even more significant pain consuming not just Her but her offspring and the guilt that comes with that can be terrifying.